Recovery Literally Is.....

Walking On Fire

Okay now that may read a little over the top to you but let me explain a bit more :)

Last Friday I took part in a 'Firewalk' raising money for a local children's charity.  We were given  two hours of training before hand and the walk itself only lasted seconds but I have to say, I haven't felt so alive, energised and ecstatically happy in such a long, long time! 

My Family and friends (one of whom had surprised me and come all the way from London) were there to watch it, and I found out afterwards it actually brought a tear to their eyes seeing me too. 

Go back even a few months and there's no way I would have had the energy to have been able to do that and my mind would not have been focused enough either. 

Now, not that I can do firewalks everyday but, it's moments like those that I reaslise exactly why I am recovering. 

Feeling strength in my body, blood pumping through my veins, my eyes sparkling. Laughing with others and dancing barefooted in the dark. Seeing my family so happy and proud made my heart swell and my spirits soar.

Raising money to help the lives of children who are unable to do so themselves.

Having the choice and the energy to do all that!

On the Saturday, I went up to London to Support the first ever B-eat Parade. The turnout was small but I was so, so proud of the young women who had organised it and the others for getting out there, raising awareness and putting a voice to eating disorders- Breaking the silence!! 

Sunday was a glorious day and a friend of mine came over with her dogs. We took them to the beach, she treated us to lunch and the we went for a lovely long walk in the glorious sunshine... 

All in all, an absolutely fantastic weekend!

Today I am full of cold :( But with it, (you can always find an upside!) hope and belief in myself, in others and all that's still to come with recovery.

Instead of pushing myself like I'm known to, I am writing this in bed :) And instead of not eating much with the excuse of feeling ill/not going out, I will eat all I need to in order to fuel my body, nourish it and get better plus more if necessary (or just plain want!)

Why? 

Because I can walk on Fire, I can do anything and;


 I choose Life!! 


And So Can You!






~

I've included a wee video of my walk just incase you wanted a peak :) 

With Much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

Needing

So I haven’t dropped off the face of the earth. Things came up and I was busy and I put it off and... I’m just really sorry that I haven’t posted for a few weeks. I will honestly try and be more regular now.

When you’re a kid- let’s say four or five- if you are lucky enough to have come from a caring, healthy family environment, you are told when to eat. Your parents tell you how much to eat, and when to eat it, and when to play and when to sleep and when to get up.

Once you get a little older, you get more freedom. You get some choice in what you do and wear and yes, what you eat. If you want a biscuit, you don’t have to ask anymore.

When you get even older, all of that responsibility is on you. You make lists, shop, cook, eat, wash up. Rinse and repeat. You set the alarm clock and get up, or wake up when you want to. You are in control of your own life.

Unless you develop an eating disorder, and enter recovery.

You spend a lot of time watching the clock tick by, near to crying (sometimes crying) in frustration because you know you need to eat- and hell, you want to eat- but until somebody says ‘you need to get some food now’, you ‘can’t’.

You don’t know what to buy in a supermarket or how much is okay to spend. You don’t know if people will look and snigger and gossip if you buy a bag of crisps.

You don’t even know when to get up anymore. Getting up is having to deal with breakfast. But getting up is a chance to exercise. But getting up is hard when it doesn’t feel like there’s a point.

Eating disorders take you back to four years old, and they take your voice away at the same time. In recovery especially, you might go back to needing somebody else to do things for you. Needing somebody else to tell you what to eat, when to eat, how to eat it.

It’s a bit like relearning, reverting. And of course, for a lot of people who have never had a healthy relationship with food, it’s just plain learning. Learning to eat what you want in the right amounts, learning to not over or under-eat. It’s erasing the strict rules you set yourself and introducing healthy guidelines.

So yes, you might need somebody to tell you how much to eat. You might need somebody to tell you how much exercise is okay.

In recovery, you might just need more. That is okay.

It can be hard to accept that, I think. To accept that you need treating a little differently to most other people. To accept that it’s not just okay, but necessary.

You might feel like that four year old again (or for the first time). You might feel so dependent and needing- and if up until now you’ve relied on yourself and your own distorted beliefs, that can be hard.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that in recovery, you are going to need to rely on people. That is okay.

You aren’t always going to have the answers, or know the right thing to do. That is okay.

You are going to need more help. You are going to have to depend on people. Those things are truly, genuinely okay.

Accepting help and guidance doesn’t make you weak. Just because you feel like a child again doesn’t mean that’s what you’ve become. You are still a strong, independent, vibrant, amazing woman or man or girl or boy. Even if you feel so powerless and dependent inside, you are not.

Making the choice to let somebody else help you is one of the bravest things you can do. Don’t let pride or shame get in the way of that.

Jess xx

That Moment....

That moment when you’re staring at a restaurant menu; your hands are clammy, your heart pounding, your mind is racing.

You are terrified.

That moment when you feel awkward, like all eyes are on you as you desperately try to figure out what would be the ‘safest’ thing to order.

But it’s all so daunting.

That moment when your eyes are drawn to foods you’d really like, you know would taste yummy and  yet that little voice is telling you-

“No, you mustn’t have this, you can’t have that, have you any idea what’s in that!!”

It’s exhausting, it’s painful and it’s miserable.

That moment when the waitress comes to take the tables order and you take the longest, scared of what you may order. What if you slip up and actually order what you want???!!!

When you finally speak you don’t order what you want, what you fancy.

That moment when suddenly, you’re angry!

And you want some answers!

Why did you order that? Do you really want to eat it? Did it tickle your taste buds? Will you enjoy it? Why are you so afraid of a menu, of your own hunger? Why is it that others can order x but not you? Why should you not be allowed to eat what you want?

And what’s stopping you?

That moment when, before you know it, you’re racing to find a waitress. You find yourself asking if it’s too late to change your order?

You’ve changed your mind.

That moment when the food arrives and your table think they’ve brought you the wrong food but you turn to them and say;

“No, I’ve got exactly what I wanted”

And you eat it.  

And you enjoy every last bite.

That Moment is called Recovery

~

Adapted from something I wrote after an experience at the weekended.

What do you want today?

Happy Pancake Day!!

With Much Love, Smiles & Support, 

Hanna xx

When The Fog Clears...

And You Finally See The Madness….

As I’m getting further and further into my recovery, I’m really starting to see the madness that is my eating disorder.

For many years I truly believed it was I who was mad. I couldn’t understand why I did the things I did, 

why I felt so desperate at times.

But then I also didn’t see the utter control my eating disorder had over me. Over my mind and my actions.

I would just accept it was normal for me; that that was how my life was and always would be.

Thank goodness I was so wrong!

You see as I’m getting stronger and my vision is getting clearer, I can finally see and hear the madness without acting out the behaviours.

And although it’s scary to watch, 

it’s wonderful to no longer play such a big part in it.

I say that because yes, I do still struggle; I have my ups and downs. If I didn’t I would be fully recovered.

But although not yet there, this is my journey and that is my destination.

So I guess I just wanted to say to those of you in the early stages of recovery;

Don’t give up!

You are not mad; you have an eating disorder.

And although it may seem that things will never become clear, 

they will.

And to those of you already fully recovered;

I’ll see you soon J

And on this day; Valentines Day-

Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you love you <3

With Extra Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

Just A Little Pointer

In A Great Direction....

My head is a little busy day and my thoughts a bit scattered after a busy and emotional few days but also due to lack of sleep.

So, rather than ramble on here, I am going to point you in the direction of this beautiful ladies blog sia jane , where she is also covering Anne Sophie"s (from fightinganorexia) 'Pro-Recovery project month'....

There have been some fantastic posts so far, read and get inspired!  I know I do....

And I'll hopefully have my head screwed on by tomorrow :)

With Much Love, Smiles & Support, 

Hanna x x x